A Chi for Two® Inspired Perspective on "People Pleasing"

So often we say “Yes” when we wished we had said “No” in our daily interactions. Millions of us spread ourselves too thin and easily feel burnt out in our professional and personal lives when “people pleasing.” In Chi for Two®, I have learned there are many reasons it is difficult to say No in the moment especially when there is power differential such as to a supervisor or parent. The pediatric psychiatrist Judith Kestenberg’s research discovered during infant development we express two alternating rhythms: indulging (attempts to connect and soothe) and fighting (attempts to individuate and differentiate). Ideally, when we turned our heads side to side in front of our primary caregiver(s) our embodied No was celebrated. However, very few of us received celebration of our expressing No due to many factors including stressors on parents and unhealthy childrearing norms like “children should be seen and not heard.”

Gabor Mate says “As children we traded authenticity for attachment in order to survive.” Fast forward to adulthood it can feel terrifying to express No for those of us who experienced shutdown and shame from our expression of No early in life. However, those fighting rhythms have been waiting to come up and out in many of our daily interactions to help us understand who we are separate from how we were raised. As a Chi for Two coach, I celebrate fighting rhythms in the form of sounds and movements. Each fighting rhythm movement can be integrated into your movement vocabulary when it is finally not shamed, dismissed, or shutdown. The more accessibility we have to movements that protect our physical boundaries the more easily we can express No and release “people pleasing.”